What Video Games Taught Me About WomenBy Miodrag Kovačević | December 2, 2011 | Features | 1 comment | Share
As a male gamer, I rarely have contact with females. As in, real, honest, eye contact. It’s obvious that pressing the X button to continue a conversation all these years has left me insecure about having a conversation in real life without a peripheral to aid me or my answers pre-determined. It is a grueling experience whenever it happens. Luckily, even if I’m awful in practice, I still have the theory to give me a vague idea about how girls tick. Where did this invaluable knowledge come from? Video games, of course!
Women Only Like You If You’re Popular
Learned from: almost any game with a male lead and female support character.
Sad, but true. If you are Mr. Nobody in the presence of a Miss Nobody, chances are, you’re not good enough for Miss Nobody. But if you’re Somebody, then they will be throwing themselves at your feet. Are you somehow in the center of attention? Are you trying to save the world, lead a team to victory, or are you just special? Does it feel like your actions are making a difference? What may have been an acquaintance will likely be your lover by the end of your grand adventure. Will she ever throw a glance at your ugly sidekick? Will she pay attention to the quite friendly NPC shopkeeper? No, she won’t, because they’re not superstars. You are.
Lesson: tell everyone you are trying to save the world. All the women will throw themselves at your feet.
Women Are More Effective the Less They Wear
Learned from: RPGs, MMOs.
Damn it, woman! Why are you wearing that highly effective unobtainium power armor? Here, take this chainmail bikini. What very few people know is that women’s milky skin is actually a thin mithril alloy which will deflect most attacks. If they wear a robe, they will likely die, as robes rob the female species of their vitality (hence the name). If they wear actual armor, then they’ll only be effective if they know how to fight, and if they know how to fight, why not just drop the armor in favor of skimpy clothing and fight even better? If we ever go to war of cataclysmic proportions, our only hope may be to put the female populace nude in the front rows.
Lesson: if a girl attacks you while wearing a bikini, cover her with a bathrobe if you want to survive.
Women Are Hopeless Without Guidance
Learned from: any game with female followers or captives.
Women are hopeless. They leave all the important decisions to you, they never take initiative, and when they do, it causes a catastrophe and sets your adventure a few months back. If you actually put them in front of a piece of technology and they don’t need to wear glasses or a lab coat, you can count on being thrown through space and time or whatever malfunction they cause opening the gates to Limbo.
Lesson: either chain any woman following you to a chair until you are absolutely sure you need them, or keep a very close eye on them, because they will mess something up.
Ugly and Plain-looking Women Are Evil or Irrelevant
Learned from: as usual, almost any game.
Since the oldest days of Disney cartoons, we have known that the uglier the woman was, the closer she was to sin. Of course, the femme fatale is as hot as a fire flower, but we aren’t claiming that all evil woman are ugly, rather that all ugly women are evil. Or irrelevant. If a woman is ugly, you have to ask yourself whether she has a greater role in life? If she’s only there to give you that one thing you need to advance your quest, or if she’s just working at the market, then it’s alright. But if she has influence, she is most certainly, without a shred of doubt, evil.
Lesson: the second you see an ugly queen, plan a coup d’état.
Women Can Kick Your Ass
Learned from: any game with a female lead character.
On the other hand, there are some very capable women. Too capable. Frighteningly capable. Is the woman before you dual-wielding pistols? Does she have a sword? Does she claim to “work alone”? Is she athletic and looks extremely sexy while the rain is sliding down her cheeks and the mud stains her limbs? You are a dead man if you cross her. She will break you. She will shoot you in the head without as much as blinking. If she happens to have an English accent in addition to the previous traits, then don’t bother begging for mercy. Just write your will.
Lesson: do not make contact with athletic, adventurous and cold-hearted women unless you are Danny Trejo.